At a glance
For a long time, the workplace was considered an emotion-free zone, and displays of emotion were considered unprofessional or a sign of weakness.
Over time, thinking has changed, and people largely understand that ignoring the emotional component of their working lives can result in a range of problems, such as poor decision-making, unhealthy conflict and burnout.
In the book No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work, Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy describe emotions as an “internal navigation system”.
Operating this inner compass requires emotional intelligence, or “knowing what emotion to show when, and how much,” explains David Cheng, associate professor and senior lecturer in leadership and management at Australian National University.
Achieving a culture of emotional openness requires establishing what is – and what is not – appropriate when expressing emotions in the workplace.
Don’t worry, be happy
When people equate happiness with success, they can feel pressured to appear upbeat no matter how they’re really feeling. The unrelenting pursuit of happiness can come with a cost, because it can sideline other equally valid emotions, such as anger, envy and sadness.
Brock Bastian, professor in the School of Psychological Sciences at the University of Melbourne, is a social psychologist and the author of The Other Side of Happiness.
In his research, Bastian has found that placing a high value on happiness can have the unexpected effect of decreasing wellbeing.
In a 2022 study, Bastian reveals that, people in countries that regularly achieve top rankings in the World Happiness Report are more likely to experience “poor wellbeing” due to societal pressure to be happy.
It can be counterproductive to create an environment where people feel pressured to always act happy, Bastian says.
“It is nice to want people to be happy. At the same time, it can create a kind of pressure that leads to inauthenticity when experiencing the other emotions that we inevitably experience in life.
“When we feel like there is an expectation to present a certain side of ourselves – because that is what is seen as acceptable – our research shows that it drives the opposite effect.”
It is unrealistic to expect to feel happy all the time. “Sometimes, we are not happy. Sometimes, we are stressed, fatigued, worried, sad or anxious – these are all normal emotions,” he adds.
Emotions are adaptive, helping us process data and focus on threatening stimuli, for example. “We have evolved our full spectrum of emotional responses for good reasons.”
While all emotions are important, Bastian says the emotions people perceive as unpleasant can offer critical information about personal circumstances or state of mind.
“If we are unable to sit comfortably with emotions such as disgust or anger, then we are not getting the information we need from our environment to respond well and adaptively to it,” he says.
“It is important to recognise the value that those unpleasant, non-happy emotions provide for us in our lives.”
Uncomfortable emotions at work
Anger is a typical emotional response to a threat, a violation or an injustice, but it can also be a driving force for change.
In any team that values feedback and robust debate, conflict will always happen. Not only is it normal, but also it is a sign of a healthy culture.
Fosslien and Duffy distinguish between two main types of conflict. Task conflict is the clash of creative ideas, while relationship conflict is about personality-driven arguments. In practice, task and relationship conflict can overlap, because it can be hard not to take disagreements over ideas personally.
Organisations can prevent task conflict from devolving into relationship conflict by providing opportunities for teams to give productive feedback aimed at the work, not the person.
How to resolve conflict
Interpersonal conflict is another unavoidable feature of group work.
When discussing discord with a colleague, Amanda Goldstein, general manager of clinical services at Relationships Australia Victoria, recommends using “I” statements rather than “you” statements.
Statements like “you made me angry” can make the other person feel like they are the subject of blame or accusation, prompting them to become defensive.
However, people are in control of their own emotions and behaviour, Goldstein adds. “There might be a trigger for you, but you decide how you react to and express it.”
“That is why it is important to say, ‘I feel’, because, while people can argue with your thoughts, they cannot argue with your feelings.”
Reframing the statement this way can help stem further conflict.
Goldstein recommends structuring an “I statement” in three parts:
- Name the feeling.
- Explain the reason behind it.
- Offer a solution.
One example of the result of this approach could be, “I am feeling frustrated, because I do not feel that I can meet this project deadline, so I need an extension or extra resources.”
The crying taboo
Crying is a physiological response triggered by many emotions, such as sadness, joy, surprise and anger.
When a leader cries, it shows vulnerability, which helps build the trust that defines high-performing teams.
Publicly shedding tears can also create connection, triggering an empathetic response among members of a group.
“Crying can help people to understand just how much you are going through,” Goldstein says.
“Sometimes it is appropriate for people to see you are a human being and you are not perfect. Where it can become problematic is if your colleagues feel that they have to be your crutch or your supporter, and they do not feel they can.”
Anyone feeling so overwhelmed they regularly find themselves in tears should seek help.
“Go to your Employee Assistance Program (EAP), a counsellor, a psychologist, your GP or talk to friends,” Goldstein advises.
Frequent bouts of crying can also signal a need for self-care.
“We all know that sometimes workloads go up and down, but it helps to get good sleep, eat well and try to pace yourself at work,” she says.
In some instances, it may be necessary to disclose a personal issue in a professional setting.
“If you are experiencing something like bereavement or family violence at home or something serious that has happened at work – you feel that you have been bullied, for example – it is appropriate to try to discuss this with your manager,” Goldstein says.
Goldstein acknowledges this can be difficult, but believes it can deliver profound benefits.
“Sometimes, being open and honest with a manager can be the best decision you can make,” she adds.
“I know, as a manager, if my team is honest with me, I am going to have the information I need to be empathetic towards them and understand what they might be going through. If they do not tell me how they are feeling, I might not react in the best possible way to help them.”
How to create an emotionally open culture
When researchers at Google analysed the organisation’s highest-performing teams, Fosslien and Duffy say they found one common trait.
“People on these teams had psychological safety. They felt they could suggest ideas, admit mistakes and take risks without being embarrassed by the group.”
Some strategies for organisations trying to make psychological safety a feature of their workplace include “encouraging open discussion, answering questions without condescension, and making it okay to take risks and admit mistakes”.
Fosslien and Duffy also suggest following the example of the UK Government Digital Service (GDS), which produced an “It’s okay to” poster that lists behaviours that the team deem acceptable, including singing and having off days.
The list – adopted by other organisations including Google and Salesforce – made norms around emotion and behaviour explicit and easy for new hires to navigate.
Overall, the best way to create happiness at work is to create an open culture where people can express their emotional selves, Bastian adds.
“This is the kind of environment where people feel that if they are having a bad day, they do not need to pretend to be happy to be viewed as a valuable contributor.”
